I’m turning 22 in two weeks, and right now the only positive is that I can sing Taylor Swift non-stop for twelve months without any judgment (okay, well there’ll probably be a little bit of judgment). Two of my closest friends are happily in relationships, another is happily stoned and the others? Well they live on the other side of the country.
And myself? I’m single, have never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than thirty minutes, and I’m currently a bottle of wine down and just an hour ago found myself watching Bridget Jones, eating ice cream and debating whether or not to bleach my toilet for fun. I decided I needed to do something (because who the fuck bleaches their toilet for fun), so I’m writing.
Recently, with one friend ever-so slightly stoned 24/7, two others having significant others that take precedent over myself, I’ve been feeling lonely, and very single. Oh god, even writing it sounds pathetic. But then again, that’s part of the problem isn’t it? Everyone’s so scared of expressing how they feel due to a fear of other people’s judgement that we all tend to just pretend we’re okay. It’s silly really.
In order to combat the loneliness, I decided to go on a date. Always my go-to. I thought to myself ‘maybe I just need a boyfriend’, and maybe a relationship would tackle my loneliness, which, within the past two months has been reiterated by my best friend at least four times. Having someone to share London with, from the West End shows I adore to grabbing ice cream from Amorino’s in Covent Garden. The little things that I usually do by myself, but that I assumed would be better with another person in tow.
So I went on said date, and I had fun. Well, I slept with him two hours in so I guess it got about as fun as it could of. And this is my problem. I realised halfway through that a relationship isn’t what I want. I’m not ready for the responsibility of the dependency of another person. I’m just not. Sex is great. Having that level of intimacy with another person is nice, but it’s all of the extras that I’m not ready for. Basically everything within a relationship that isn’t sex. I realised that I want to be single, and I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. I shouldn’t force myself into a situation simply because my friends are in such a situation. Relationships are not the be all and end all.
But loneliness sucks.
And I’m still lonely. (Although the sex did help slightly).
I think it’s more of a matter now of becoming okay with being alone. Because being alone and being lonely are two completely different entities. I don’t want to cover up this emotion by surrounding myself with more people, or making my friends spend more time with me, or calling my mum way more than I probably should. I want to beat it. Completely eradicate it from my psyche.
I guess it’ll take time. But at least I’m aware of it now. And I’m aware that it’s a matter of just loving myself more than I love anything else. Because, let’s face it, at the end of the day we only ever truly have ourselves to depend on. And that’s actually 100% okay.
FYI, I bleached my toilet.
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